thrown

"So, when are we going to have a baby?"

Few questions can make one lose her balance even while lying in bed about to drift off into some much needed post-holiday sleep. This is one of them.

The question might not have been so shocking had it not come from the lips of my husband, also lying next to me in bed about to drift off. My entire body went tense. I could actually feel each muscle in my body freeze and hold their breath while my brain quickly assessed the situation.

Is he serious? Is he joking? Is he dreaming? Am I dreaming? IS HE SERIOUS?

I don't know why, but I've rarely, if ever, allowed myself to think of actually having babies, kids, a family. Maybe all those years trying NOT to get pregnant -- condoms, pulling out, the Pill -- and those two scary I-Think-I-Might-Be-Pregnant-Holy-Crap-What-Am-I-Gonna-Do? moments scarred me for life, but I've always been weary about family fantasizing (although I do admit to an occasional baby name picking game here and then). I can hardly remember ever wanting kids as a little kid. I didn't want the cuddly baby in the crib. I wanted the fancy Barbie in the hot pink Corvette.

Anyway, there it was. One of those questions that just hangs in the air -- words strung together like paper lanterns to be lit or taken down.